Friday, April 6, 2007

Human DNA Secrets Uncovered

Subject: The Human Genome.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. The mystery is now finally solved. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments! Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows...
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
* (C) God
/* Revision history:
* 0000-00-01 00:001.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:001.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:111.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:141.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:331.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:201.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:561.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:041.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:211.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:181.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:092.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:112.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon.
Construct genitals
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;


James said...

That's so geeky! No wonder I like it.

Anonymous said...

hee hee

Anonymous said...

"* 5533-02-12 17:092.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem."

This was ACTUALLY the dinner conversation over sushi last nite. I gave the Kinsey statistic that throughout history, heavily populated cities/areas have an increased percentage of homosexuality.

Ano the Blogger said...

LOl thats all programer talk! what are you doing with thath aha.

Vanessa said...

Never heard of Kinsey statistics before, but glad I could prompt some dinner conversation.

I was searching the web for who know what and came across this and got a good laugh, so I posted. But by no means no I know programmer talk.

Anonymous said...

No, I had the dinner conversation before your post.

Jane Doe said...