WARNING: Highly depressing entry.
Now that you are warn and want to read on, here it is - Today I find myself drained! This weekend has taken a toll on me. Don’t get me wrong, there were good moments, like watching 300 for the third time, trying the Yard House restaurant for the first time and getting about 5 hours of martial arts practice in, but as far as all the emotional drama, this weekend got me down.
My good friend and sensei has been going through a rough time in his life. He is going through a break up and is not handling it very well. He’s been talking about wanting to leave this earth on his terms and seems to keep bordering on edge of losing it completely. I was once told “it’s the ones that don’t talk about it that you have to worry about,” so that comforts me that he may not go forward with it and just needs attention. I said my good-byes and asked him about his final wishes. I guess since I recently experience a death in my close circle, I know how important those two things are and most people don’t say or ask those thing when approached with this situation. And then the draining continued….
To give you a little background on my situation. My roomie is my ex-fiancé and best friend. Early this year we split and are in the process of moving into separate places. I have been putting off doing spring cleaning to get ready for the move because I am in denial, but found motivation in starting by looking for pix for my new blog and to hunt down tax stuff. I threw away two boxes of stuff, recycled three and had ½ a box of stuff to be shredded. Reality set in that I’ll be moving out and it hit me hard. One of the hardest things to deal with is what to do with our kitties. We got them right when we moved in together and they are about a year old now. Should we share custody? I know that might sound silly, but we have considered it. They are like our kids, man! If we don’t do that, then who gets them? Dude, this feels like a divorce! And earlier that day a bomb was dropped (not the stinky kind… the drama filled one). My roomie was supposed to move in with my close friend and sensei, but my sensei texted my roomie that he didn’t want to move in with him anymore. He said he needed to go through his break up drama alone. They’ve been friends for over 10 years and basically my sensei just picked chasing a girl over his friendship and is telling all of us in the group, you are either with me or against me and if you are not with me, then I don’t really need you in my life. My roomie is heart broken. His best friends, sensei, and co-worker has just kicked him out of his life. So there I am listening and comforting my roomie and since things seem to hit me a day or two later I started to think - Where does that leave me? I feel stuck in-between! My sensei doesn’t know yet that I’m not talking to his ex-girl, either. When he finds out will he cut ties with me too? It gave me a lot to think about last night. My sensei told me “to just get over it” and “live in the now” when my roomie and I broke up and my Dad passed away. He is telling both my roomie and I to stop living in the past, to not look back, even if it’s to heal something, because it’s not living in the now. But isn’t he doing the same thing with his ex? What are you supposed to do when one of your life teachers doesn’t listen to their life teachings? So here I find myself this Monday morning at another crossroad in my life and too drained to look up at the signs and read where the arrow's say my options are. I think I’ll just sit here awhile and rest against the post.
11 comments:
It's okay, rest as long as you need. I know you feel like you need to so something about someone else's problems, but short of giving him your earnest opinions and suggestions, what he does with his own life is not in your control. I think he's being immature about this, but it's hard to look around and see things for what they are when you're stuck in this emotional fog. I've been there.
If you want to get the sensei out of the house (like after practice one of these days) to enjoy life, his realization that there IS life after and outside of his ex is what gives people hope to carry on. Plus, it'd do you some good, too. Tell him you found a great new restaurant and need company to explore it with you. And then show him a great time. Show him he doesn't need her to be happy; he can have as much fun with his friends. The more he laughs outside of "her", the brighter the prospects of quick recovery. Send him a funny joke while you're at it.
As for YOU, you need a massage therapy day with me. =) That sounds gross. I mean, we need to book an appointment or something at a spa. (You should tell your readers about the time when your old friend hit on you under the guise of "practicing" her massage techniques on you. James is gonna want pictures.)
Hey Vanessa,
I'm sorry to hear about all that drama going on. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in. Kudos to you for all that you've done to help your everyone hold it together. A good friend during hard times can make all the difference!
No, sensei is setting all his "life energy" on willing her back, including spells. I am there to lend him an ear, but somethings he is doing don't rub me the right way. Spells being one of them. And I have a delayed reaction, so what am I supposed to do.. "hey man... can we revisit this conversation?" This is similar to the blow out that happened 3 years ago.
Massage day sounds GREAT! We should so do it!
I want pictures!
Bah, that was me again :)
Sorry . . . I don't have pixs because I was the one getting a massage
Well, what a coincidence that I happened to post something on my blog that expresses how I feel about manipulating someone else's free will. I'll avoid the huffin' and puffin' over it on your blog since you know my opinion.
I hope you give yourself time to heal from these situations. Living in the now is important but sometimes part of that means looking to the past to reflect and remember so you can grow in the future.
Hugs!
This morning, I thought about anonymously sending Sensei a CD burned only with the song by New Radicals called "Don't Let Go" or something like that. "Don't give up, you've got a dance left in you, don't let go, you only get what you give..." And saying it's from a "fan" of his. But then I realized he'd take it as a sign to not give up on chasing the girl, as opposed to not giving up on himself and on life, so I dropped the idea.
Aww! That is so sweet that you were thinking of Sensei. I so don't know what to do with the whole thing. But he made a great comment this past weekend and said us four are going through all this crap so we can grow up and stop being kids. Personally, I think I have been the most mature kid :) I only lost my cool 1 1/2 times.
*golf clap*
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