WARNING: Highly depressing entry.
Now that you are warn and want to read on, here it is - Today I find myself drained! This weekend has taken a toll on me. Don’t get me wrong, there were good moments, like watching 300 for the third time, trying the Yard House restaurant for the first time and getting about 5 hours of martial arts practice in, but as far as all the emotional drama, this weekend got me down.
My good friend and sensei has been going through a rough time in his life. He is going through a break up and is not handling it very well. He’s been talking about wanting to leave this earth on his terms and seems to keep bordering on edge of losing it completely. I was once told “it’s the ones that don’t talk about it that you have to worry about,” so that comforts me that he may not go forward with it and just needs attention. I said my good-byes and asked him about his final wishes. I guess since I recently experience a death in my close circle, I know how important those two things are and most people don’t say or ask those thing when approached with this situation. And then the draining continued….
To give you a little background on my situation. My roomie is my ex-fiancé and best friend. Early this year we split and are in the process of moving into separate places. I have been putting off doing spring cleaning to get ready for the move because I am in denial, but found motivation in starting by looking for pix for my new blog and to hunt down tax stuff. I threw away two boxes of stuff, recycled three and had ½ a box of stuff to be shredded. Reality set in that I’ll be moving out and it hit me hard. One of the hardest things to deal with is what to do with our kitties. We got them right when we moved in together and they are about a year old now. Should we share custody? I know that might sound silly, but we have considered it. They are like our kids, man! If we don’t do that, then who gets them? Dude, this feels like a divorce! And earlier that day a bomb was dropped (not the stinky kind… the drama filled one). My roomie was supposed to move in with my close friend and sensei, but my sensei texted my roomie that he didn’t want to move in with him anymore. He said he needed to go through his break up drama alone. They’ve been friends for over 10 years and basically my sensei just picked chasing a girl over his friendship and is telling all of us in the group, you are either with me or against me and if you are not with me, then I don’t really need you in my life. My roomie is heart broken. His best friends, sensei, and co-worker has just kicked him out of his life. So there I am listening and comforting my roomie and since things seem to hit me a day or two later I started to think - Where does that leave me? I feel stuck in-between! My sensei doesn’t know yet that I’m not talking to his ex-girl, either. When he finds out will he cut ties with me too? It gave me a lot to think about last night. My sensei told me “to just get over it” and “live in the now” when my roomie and I broke up and my Dad passed away. He is telling both my roomie and I to stop living in the past, to not look back, even if it’s to heal something, because it’s not living in the now. But isn’t he doing the same thing with his ex? What are you supposed to do when one of your life teachers doesn’t listen to their life teachings? So here I find myself this Monday morning at another crossroad in my life and too drained to look up at the signs and read where the arrow's say my options are. I think I’ll just sit here awhile and rest against the post.