Friday, May 16, 2008

Am I scared? Or realistic?

It’s been on my mind…

Jay and I were talking about marriage the other night. No there is not a ring on my finger; we were more talking about the subject in general. I am not sure if I want to get married (in general). It’s a BIG step and I am not as carefree as I once was to jump into a commitment that comes with all this legal bumble-jumble. You see, I have been engaged twice and never made it down the aisle. The first guy I was engaged with was my high school boyfriend of 7+ years and the other was my most recent ex of 4 years. Break ups are never fun and I can’t imagine if I had been married to either men the whole divorce ordeal.

When I think about getting married I like the security of having someone and knowing they want to build life together with me. I don’t like the cost of a wedding/honeymoon, the possibility of divorce and if they pass away I inherit their debit or vice versa.

Jay wanted to really understand why women think it’s a bigger deal (in general) to get married. I gave him my reasons above, but didn’t have any profound reason.

Last night while picking up some kid toothpaste for Jayla, I bumped into my sister (who is married) at the store and asked her. She said it in Spanish (which gives it a beautiful, romantic tone) that a man asking a women to be “his wife” is like placing her on a higher level and giving her the honor, respect and distinction that she deserves in his heart and to the world. She said don’t get me wrong, it’s a challenge and sometimes “I want to give my husband away,” but it’s also something you look forward each and every day.

Maybe I am just scared or over thinking it too much. Or is this something you can really over think?

So what’s your thoughts on any of it? Why women want to get married more then men? What’s the point in doing so?


Anonymous said...

Talking with my mother on the phone yesterday she ONCE AGAIN brought up marriage. Bat & I talked about it last night AGAIN, much like you & Jay. WHY do people want to get married? What is the point? I don't want to get married again. The divorce part is something I'd NEVER want to go through again and you are right the thought of acquiring someone else's debt isn't easing my mind any. I think if you are committed to one another you can be just as "married" in your own eyes than some people who actually had a ceremony.

Not to disagree with your sister but I don't really care for the idea if being placed on a pedistal by a man...I want to be partners, equal, not higher or lower.

Anonymous said...

You sound like ME when I was trying to talk Mr. W out of buying that extravagant ring on the ship. I ran thru the same list you ran thru, he paused and looked thoughtfully at me, and then announced, "I'm gonna go back in and buy it." And I had to run after him back into the jewelry store.

I think we're caught between 2 generations of thought. The old generation idealizes marriage, as the highest commitment and symbol of true and lasting love that one person can give another. You are so sure of you love for another that you want to pledge the rest of your life to them. And the next generation thinks of marriage as a scam, because marriage no longer guarantees a commitment. It no longer guarantees true love or happiness (not that it ever did, I reckon, except people didn't use to talk about their problems so openly). It doesn't even guarantee permanence. And the business end of marriage with financial division problems and the way people have learned to work the legal system to REALLY screw their exes (like Mr. W's 1st ex-wife did, staying just long enough to ensure a legally long-term marriage w/2 kids so she can take the maximum $ from him when she left him for someone else, and never getting remarried to her new boyfriends so that she can keep getting spousal support) really make marriage unappealing from a practical standpoint.

But I think if you can keep the original ideals for the institution of marriage, and work together to manage the practical business issues (like have living trusts or not incur debt to leave to the other person, or have a massive life insurance policy if you have massive debt), marriage can be a great partnership both in the emotional and financial realms.

P.S. Little/immature girls who don't "overthink" about marriage, or examine it at all, or who just cling to the idealistic "I'm marrying him because I LOVE him!" simplicity do tend to get their hearts broken when/if life hits. I think you're smart by thinking about it now, so you're not gonna demand that some guy "prove" his love to you by proposing, and if you do enter marriage, you'd do it prepared and mentally educated.

Jane Doe said...

Flat Coke - Jay was reading your comment aloud at home and said "AMEN, Flate Coke!" I think we both won't mind getting married, but are scared to dead of the "what if's"

Cindy - You hit it on the nose! I discover another reason why I might be not so quick to get married. My sister says I sounds just like my Dad! Maybe it was growing up with a guy, who went through a divorce and pledge to never do it again got ingrained in my mind.

One of his ex's gave him a year to propose to her, get married, when they did get married to have her best friend move in AND for him to reverse his vasectomy. This girl was on crack! And no wonder my Dad ended it! The nerve of some women!!!