Disconnected

My heart is literally racing as I sit here at work. I should be focusing on work, graphs and follow-up emails, but instead my mind is bombarded with thoughts of the last few weeks and this morning. I went for an individual counseling session today to work on me, what I want from my romantic relationship, to understand Jay and the areas that I can improve on. Jay and I have been rocky and a week long break-up and then make-up have us back at square one. The square gets claustrophobic at times with all the thoughts, comments, conversation and uncertain future. Our definitions on compatibility are way different. My counselor for my individual session was good. Very productive first session, she is honest, straight forward and could read me like a book. She said she couldn't get a sense of "who I was" and asked me to describe that person. I went blank. Normally I hear that question in interviews and have a answer, but outside of an interview I didn't know how to answer that. Is that weird? I mean was she asking hobbies? Likes or dislikes? How I view my personality? Time was running out and she gave it to me as a homework assignment to come back with an idea/answer next week. I am normally one who is very upbeat about self-help/improvement but right now I don't feel so upbeat. I feel beaten up and like I want to throw up...literally!!! I fear the worst and get discouraged. *sigh*

Jay and I also had our "intake" for couples counseling where they get to know us, our backgrounds, issues that brought us there, to discuss the program, etc. I hope that we both start seeing eye to eye, establish common goals, communicate more clearly and decide to work on "us" long term.

puke

Trust is an interesting beast. It can blind you, open you up, make you vulnerable, or close you off to the world. Walls are back up, I have doubts, confidence is lost, worry is here and skepticism blanketing my every thought.